ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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