he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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