I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
