would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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