If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
