I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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