Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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