apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
