dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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