Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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