no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
