She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
