Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
