I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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