Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
