My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
