your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Don't make out with my wife yet
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
