There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
