He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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