how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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