Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
