Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
