Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize