He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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