The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
