Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
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My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
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i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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