Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
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When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
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He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.