my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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