Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
FUCK WHALES
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
My feet surprised me
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
