No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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