i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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