I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
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literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
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So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
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