Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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