Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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