Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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