Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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