I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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