that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
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Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
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Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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