I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
