Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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