I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The dick lei will go down in squad history
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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