forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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