my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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