PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
