Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
