saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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