i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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