Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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