I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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