I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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