the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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