How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
