the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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