Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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