I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
