The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
