even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
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why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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