omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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