onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
