I wanna bring you to show and tell
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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