i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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