I want to walk on stilts...naked
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
