Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
